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A Case For Marriage
Posted by Rob Ayers in Baptist Life, Church & Missions, IMPACT Features, News & Culture
What has happened to Marriage, that great and mighty pillar of functioning families and nations? That institution created by God in the Garden of Eden who gave the privilege to our first parents Adam and Eve. The phrase, “…for this reason…” is repeated at most every Christian (and Jewish) ceremony that recognizes two people who wish to become one “flesh”. Like every other institution that post-moderns vilify, marriage it seems has also made the vilification list along with church attendance, belonging to social clubs and the like. We live in a generation where commitment to anything is suspect, and freedom means to do something outside of the box without any “constraints”.
Like many who would vilify the “institutional church” and have opted out for “simple church”, a vast number of young people have caught the fever in not desiring the complexity of marriage – at least not until they are older. Many in the current generation are saddled with the image of their parents problems and sins – divorce and/or single parenting it seems has saddled many today with a conflicted and convoluted idea of what marriage is and could be. Adult children of divorce want to “be sure” they have it right, so they are often hesitant to take the plunge into marriage. Those born into single-parent households have a convoluted sense of what it means to have a committed relationship – admittedly for many of them the most commitment to someone they witnessed from their parents could best be stretched into a couple of years. Many of them merely witnessed “significant others” coming and going in their parents lives through a revolving door that could often have been used as a fan.
Yet even these folks do not seem to answer the reason a tidal wave of the zeitgeist that is transforming our culture away from marriage. Pastor, when was the last time you engaged in conversation with a couple who wanted to get married who had never “lived with one another” or had not had sexual relations yet with each other or anybody else? I can probably list with two fingers out of the twenty in the past two years I have had this conversation with who had committed from their youth to remain pure for one another. We have an entertainment media who best vilifies this culture of multiple partners; some you marry, some you don’t; and people the world over mimicking their model in order to “feel” happy. Of course not taken into account is the absolute destruction of many of these “stars” lives, and the truth that the biggest growth industries in Hollywood are trial lawyers and rehab. The best some can hope for is to see on their tombstone, “Had intimate relationships with twenty, and now have nothing to show for it.”
Our church is witnessing the destruction of the family in our own community. This really came home to me when I taught a “Marriage and the Family” sociology course this past fall. Of the twenty students in class, nineteen were girls eighteen years old to twenty four. Of those nineteen girls, fifteen of them were currently in a cohabiting relationship – eighteen of them at one time or another lived with their boyfriend. Several of them were single parents, and all of these parents were living with boyfriends who were not the father of their children. This is a community in Middle “Red State” America, somewhere close to the Bible Belt. You can probably imagine that I am deeply concerned. This places me on my knees on most days.
While I was prohibited from sharing the total “Truth” with that class (though I did encourage all of them to contact me – some did, others did not) I did share with them some “truth” – it made their jaws drop and their eyes wet. It was shared from my heart in a desire to encourage them that marriage is positive, marriage is good, marriage is great, and that marriage is best. In fact this encounter has spurred me into further action in desiring to begin a church ministry to reach our community for the sake of hurting and struggling families. “A Case for Marriage” will be a one night seminar I will be presenting with much fanfare in my community this fall – with radio spots, advertising, and the like. We need to reach our community for Christ – and through the vehicle of this approach, we as a church hope to reach many people for the cause of Jesus – at least when they stand before Him they will not be judged in ignorance due to any inaction of ours.
Some simple truth: MEN FEAR COMMITMENT. I was telling this to those 19 girls (the one guy just kind of disappeared) and they all agreed. WOMEN FEAR BEING LONELY. Again this statement did not get much disagreement though the level of loneliness seemed to be in dispute. The grand disagreement seemed to be how to bring these two fears into some kind of a mutual satisfactory conclusion where no one gets used and everybody is happy and satisfied. I argued marriage is the best way to satisfy and meet these two fears head on – the girls were not sure because of some of the reasons I have already stated. Most just want to “be sure” the guy was the right guy. Of course their answer to this was cohabitation, “to try out” the relationship.
The statistics of cohabitation are grim. Most cohabiting relationships do not end up in marriage. Of those relationships that do survive to marry, most marriages founded in cohabitation do not survive five years, ending up in divorce. This was the part that many of those girls turned depressed on. “Is it not just like trying out a car?” one said. No, I reported it is not. That analogy is apples and oranges. A six month to three year cohabiting relationship (which is the average length of cohabiting relationships) is a little more intense than say driving a car for five minutes off the lot. Any longer and the car dealer is going to demand a little payment – say – a commitment (read: contract) to buy the car.
Then I talked about the positive things about marriage. Secretly men NEED to marry – we are desperately lost without a helpmate. When married, men are HAPPIER, HEALTHIER, more FOCUSED, and COMMITTED. We go from driving hotrods to minivans. We seek full time employment. Marriage is called a “ball and chain” for a reason – yet it is something men can love to live with! It no longer is about us – it is about somebody else as well. It helps us grow up, mature. We are happier as a result. Much happier.
Somebody piped up, “it is just a piece of paper.” I love that response! I said, “…if it is just a piece of paper, then what is the problem – go get the piece of paper now!” Come to find out – it is not just a piece of paper. It is a cultural, psychological, spiritual, and legal commitment that we all need to have as part of our lives. And this fact makes people run!
“What about divorce?” Yes divorce happens, more so today than at practically any other time in history. All things are inherently risky however. Because there are car wrecks does not prohibit me from getting into a car. Because a plane crashes does not mean I will not get into a plane to travel long distances (though they scare the living ______ out of me). Because there are wrecks I will practice due diligence – I will watch the road, watch the other guy, keep focused on what I am doing, and try not to get distracted from driving the car safely. And if you think about it, this is what most people do in marriages too to keep them on track. Sure there will be some fender benders, some mishaps, disagreements and outright arguments. That is to be expected in an imperfect world. That does not mean that marriage is not “best.” It just means things can happen that is not the fault of “marriage.”
The problem these girls had of course is that their men feared commitment – so in order to keep from being lonely (and the boys from leaving them to the next girl) the girls were willing to bear it all so that they could get some measure of happiness and not be lonely – and in the meantime perhaps they could convince the guy that there was no need to fear commitment. But this is counterintuitive. How do we convince somebody that something is worthy? By appealing to what they already have? Or want they desire to have? These girls were going about it all wrong. If they guy “loved” them, then they would be willing to be committed no matter what – even marrying the girl. Cohabitation is a poor substitute for marriage, the “real” deal.
We as believers have done a poor job in communicating these truths. Sometimes we are all for condemnation, but little for rehabilitation. And in communicating these truths about relationships, I intend to share the real Truth – Jesus makes relationships by drawing humanity into a true committed relationship that begets and strengthens all others. True Happiness can only be found in Him. I think that is what these girls needed to hear. I intend on telling them and their friends this fall when our church makes the case for marriage.
What about you? What can I add to this on “Making a Case for Marriage”?
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It seems to me that the focus of marriage really should begin with faith in God’s overall plan. No marriage is safe if the purpose of getting married is simply to make sure we make vows of committment and then live together. Why should I marry? For some it would be due to a drive of a high level of intimacy, some loneliness and others, well, that is the next step in the relationship. The main purpose of marriage is based upon trusting God in His overall design of life itself. Two people coming together will always have the fear of the unknown but by focusing on their trust and relationship with God each can see how the other’s committment is going to be within the marriage. Of course, that kind of relationship should have been what drew them together in the first place. There is no hope in marriage if each or one are double-minded or they are unequally yoked. Some would say to look at an ideal marriage as an example, I would say, “Look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith.”
Thanks for saying this, Rob. I have been complaining for years that we do not have a theology of marriage. This isn’t such a statement, but it moves us in that direction. I think the practical benefits of marriage are enough to get the conversation started, but we need some genuine appeals to the spirituality involved and how marriage enhances and feeds our relationship with God. At the same time we see people with an interest in “spiritual formation” we also see a decline in marriage. I think the free-spiritedness of it all needs to be tempered with the practical wisdom you shared here.
Great post! And I would like to point out that even though I’m married for 4 years now and have to boys, I still don’t drive a minivan. May I never mature that much!
Bruce,
In terms of agreement with you 100%. In terms of presentation, I hope you appreciate that what I am proposing is a “dog and pony” show, a bait and switch. I am making a rational “Case For Marriage” which will be attractive for people like my class of girls. Question: why did those girls pay money to take a class on “Marriage and the Family” vis a vis their personal lives? They were secretly hoping I would tell them a prescription about families that would improve theirs. We need to be as “wise as serpents, and innocent as doves.” What better way to witness about Jesus than to talk about marriage?
Rob
Thanks, Rob. I agree with you 100%.
On your next venture on Marriage I would suggest the reverse to see what happens. Offer a class on the “Author and Finisher of our Faith” and teach them about marriage.
Great Post.
Thank you Rick. That has been one of my gripes too – it as seems that we Baptist emphasize (often to extremes) missions and church planting forgetting various “tools” at our disposal – that is sharing God’s truth on “how to live” – forgetting that the telling of one leads to the other. Indeed I hope this leads to further conversation of a theology of Marriage.
Rob
Thank you Brent. It sounds like you will need that minivan soon.
Rob