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Funerals that Honor God: Making the Most of Our Opportunities
Posted by Dave Miller in Church & Missions
I have the unique opportunity, when I preside at a funeral, to do genuine, powerful and evangelistic ministry. It is also a time in which I can be tempted to compromise truth, to curry favor with people instead of God, to unintentionally promote heresy and squander this unique opportunity.
A couple of Sunday afternoons ago, I sat at my desk working on my evening sermon when the phone rang. One of our members had finally succumbed after a six month battle with brain cancer. I headed outside into the dreary Iowa dusk to go and visit with this family for a few brief moments. As I drove there, I was suddenly struck with an overwhelming awe. Here was a family in grief, in deep need, devastated at the loss of a wife, mother and grandmother, and it was my job to go and help these broken people. I was tasked with representing God and his comfort and grace.
Do we pastors have a more awesome privilege that this, to be the ministers of God to broken and hurting people at this most horrible moment? When death devastates, when grief reigns, we have the responsibility to serve as agents of God’s grace, to minister peace and comfort, and to bind wounds. We have no innate solutions; we can only minister the strength of the Lord and point people to the Spirit’s healing balm. But the moment of death and the funeral service that follows is one of our most important moments of spiritual impact.
The Dangers of Compromise
It is also a moment in which many of our number compromise the truth. I learned a lot from a funeral director who, as best I could tell, had almost no understanding of the gospel. He told me something one time as we rode together to the burial. “You preachers undo everything you preach on Sunday when you do funerals.” Obviously, my interest was piqued at this moment. He explained that we tell people on Sunday that they have to be good, but then when they die we preach them into heaven regardless of how they lived. Ignoring his works-based theology, I think he had discovered a jewel of truth, Too often, in our desire to minister comfort to a hurting family, we ignore the brutal truths that we preach every Sunday.
This same funeral director told me a story about what he and one of my deacons did to the pastor who preceded me at that church. As the pastor visited with the family, he was led to believe the deceased was a unique mixture of Billy Graham, Mother Teresa and Mahatma Gandhi. In reality, he was a shiftless alcoholic and everyone knew it except the pastor. He preached the funeral and did the burial and was milling around after when the funeral director and deacon came up to him with concerned looks on their faces. “Pastor, we have a problem. We are going to have to open the gasket.” With a horrified look the pastor asked why. “Well, after the message you preached, I’m pretty sure we have the wrong person in the casket.
I live in an area dominated by denominations that practice infant baptism. At funerals in those churches I tend to hear that the deceased had his sins washed away at his baptism and is assured a place in heaven because of that. Even in churches that preach salvation by grace, the funerals often tend to skew toward baptism as the decisive event.
It would be great if we Baptists were above this. But I have heard preachers usher a departed soul into glory on the basis of a “decision” made in fourth grade that bore no sign of fruit as long as the person lived.
But worst of all, I have attended funerals at which the minister of the gospel seems to actually be ashamed of that gospel. When is the gospel more important than when we face death? Someone has departed and is either with the Lord or eternally separated. Is there a more important time to be faithful to the truth of the gospel than a funeral?
The Blessing of Death
Death is a horrible enemy – the last to be destroyed. Even Jesus wept at the death of a loved one. But when someone dies, doors that are otherwise closed suddenly spring open. People who never think about spiritual things are brought face to face with death and eternity. Those who never darken the door of the church put on their nice clothes and come to hear me preach. When I preach on Sunday, the congregation is predominantly saved people (professing believers, at least). But at funerals, I stand in front of lost people – some living lives of gross sin, others simply deceived by self-righteous religion. It is my best opportunity to be an evangelist.
My Convictions about Funerals
When I say what I am about to say, people look at me funny. I love doing funerals. I don’t like death and I am glad when the funerals are rare, but they are such opportunities for genuine ministry that I have grown to consider it a real privilege to do them.
Over the years, through trial and error (and a helpful, if theologically confused funeral director), I have come to develop some convictions about funerals. I believe that as I follow these convictions, I am more effective.
Remember Who We Work For
Despite what some folks on these blogs might believe, I have a compassionate heart. It is not always easy to confront people with the harsh truths of death and judgment, and it must be done with tact and kindness.
But, when I do a funeral, I must remember for whom I work. I am not there first and foremost to please the family or make them feel good. I am there to represent God and the Bible and Truth. I am an agent of God’s truth and my chief responsibility is to him. I can preach an eloquent, emotional and uplifting message that wows the crowd, but if I do not speak the truths that please God I have failed in my task.
God does not demand that I be obnoxious or tactless. But he does demand that my first loyalty be to him and to the truth that flows from the Word.
It Is Not My Job to Determine a Man’s Eternity
Every family wants to hear the preacher’s assurance that the loved one that has died is in heaven with Jesus. It is my job to present the truth of the gospel and remind people that the only hope any person has in death is Jesus Christ and the Blood of the Cross.
But I do not have a paperback copy of the Lamb’s Book of Life and it is not my job to determine whether someone is in heaven or hell or to give assurances of that. I do not have the right to send people to heaven and shouldn’t act as if I do.
I will be driving today to Cedar Rapids to perform the funeral of a close friend, a pillar member of the church I pastored there for over 14 years. I will preach that I believe that Darrell is in heaven because I saw the fruit of Jesus Christ in his life for many years. He had a testimony of faith and a life that backed it up. When I see that, I tell the people of the testimony of the deceased and the evidence I saw of that testimony.
But I do not have the right to tell every family that they have the assurance of heaven, the resurrection and the great reunion in the future. I have done funerals for people I had every reason to believe were destined for hell. I did not, of course, say that. I just proclaim the gospel and tell every one of them that they need to repent and believe.
Confront the Most Common and Dangerous Heresy
I try to preach unique messages at each funeral. Yes, I have a format I use and I have been known to reuse a message or two, but I try to make each service personal, a distinctive tribute to the life of the departed and to the glory of the Savior.
But there is one thing I do at just about every funeral I preach now. We had convened at the home of a lady who had passed away, sharing a meal with the family and friends. As I was there, a former pastor called to greet the family. I spoke to him for a few minutes. I will never forget what he said. “I guess if she didn’t make it, no one is going to make it.” I was stunned. He was a Baptist pastor and yet a message of salvation by works permeated his words.
I saw a statistic a while back that disturbed me greatly. According to the study, 56% of people who identified themselves as Baptist believed that works had some part in their salvation. These are Baptists, folks. And more than half of them are trusting in their own works for salvation. Unfortunately, the messages that I have heard at funerals often, at least subliminally, feed that perception.
So, when I preach a funeral, I give a variation of this message. “You loved Mr. Smith. You will cherish his memory. He was a good person in our eyes. But there is something I need you to understand. When Mr. Smith passed into eternity, his works meant nothing. As good a man as you think he was, he was not good enough to earn heaven by his own good works. Only someone who is sinless and perfect can meet the standard of God’s glory. Jesus did that. He lived a sinless life and offered himself for our sins, for Mr. Smith’s and mine and yours. When we stand before God, none of us will be able to claim that our good works, our baptism, our church membership or our acts of charity were enough to gain us heaven. It is only by repenting of our sins and trusting Jesus as Savior and Lord that any of us has hope.”
Here is my deepest conviction: if you are a minister of the gospel, then you owe it to the Father, to your Savior and to every soul who attends that funeral to make is absolutely clear that salvation is by grace through faith and not by works.
Don’t leave any doubt about that one.
Conclusion
Those of us who are ministers of the gospel have a unique privilege. We get to represent God to hurting people. But we also have the responsibility to make fidelity to God and his righteousness our highest priority.
It is my prayer that we will make the most of these golden opportunities.
I invite your analysis of my convictions about funerals. I would also love to hear your funeral stories – like those I shared above.
Let’s talk about it.
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I’m not expecting a flurry of controversial comments on this one. However, I will be traveling to Cedar Rapids today and will not have internet access on the way (too cheap for a data plan on the cell phone). I try to respond to questions and comments, but it will be later on tonight before I get online.
I am supposing that you all have heard the story about the Pastor and the scoundrel. A scoundrel in the community died and his brother came into the Pastor’s office and dropped $500 on the desk. He told the Pastor that the money was his if during the funeral he told everyone his brother was a saint. The Pastor agreed. At the funeral the Pastor said, ‘This man was a liar, a cheat, a thief, and a reprobate but compared to his brother he was a saint!’
As a young pastor I avoided funerals if I could and hoped to never have to do one. After just two I came to the same conclusion as Dave, funerals are a tremendous opportunity to share the Gospel and minister to hurting people. You can hardly call yourself a pastor if you don’t love that.
I’m not a pastor or preacher, but I did conduct (if that’s the word for what a layman can do under the circumstances) a funeral about 8 years ago. It was the funeral of my daughter-in-law’s father, who was an “old drunk”. He’d died in the travel trailer my son & his wife had set up at their property, for him to live in, and my daughter-in-law had found him dead there.
I have to say it was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I questioned his relatives, was able to point out where there was hope for him, and could point to Jesus as the only standard by which any of us can compare lives. Including our own.
I understand how you feel.
Dave,
From a laypersons stand point; I could go to the wrong funeral and sit there and cry. Seeing the pain that affects the people related to the deceased grabs my emotions by the throat. I would have to do many funerals to get over that, or try to. I wander if that was part of the reason why Jesus wept.
I don’t know if I would preach a funeral for anyone not under my pastoral care. If I did, I would have to instruct those who asked me that I would only be able to preach a sermon because I didn’t know them and could not take anyone’s word about his/her life. That would also go for weddings.
I would have to have specific people set-up in the church database that fit the requirements of 2 Cor. 1:4 which talks about comfort that some can give from their experiences. If a pastor has not felt the same loss he may not be able to comfort with just a sermon or his position. He would need to surround himself with comforters so the mourning time would be properly addressed.
I like what you said in your basic funeral message. This is also a great time to inform them to gaze upon Mr. Smith and to consider that there is a “one day” for all of us in this room. Since eternity will begin for us somewhere, it is extremely important for you to find and know where you will spend it and with whom you will spend it. Have a Bible open with tracks in it as people pass by for the final viewing and ask them to take the detailed gospel message of how to know for sure the way to Heaven. Please take one to share with someone in memory of Mr. Smith or read it for yourself.
Good and encouraging words.
The worse funeral was about 30 years ago when I was called to do the service for a young man who was killed on a motorcycle. I had shared the gospel with him before and it appeared to have no effect. I neither preached him into heaven or hell but stuck to the gospel and the brevity of life. His mother shrieked and yelled during the service convinced the boy was in hell. It was heart wrenching as well as unsettling.
The above is difficult and I will never forget it. However I have witnessed a greater tragedy these last two decades and that is nobody is concerned where the deceased has gone. It appears everyone believes they deserve and will go to a better place. Nobody these days is worried its very unsettling. Oh the watchman needs to be faithful in declaring the hope of the gospel as well as the coming judgment of God.
Bruce James,
That is precisely my point. What we see, often, at funerals is a kind of implied universalism. “Of course God will let Uncle Buford in.”
We absolutely have to make that distinguishing line between grace and works clear.
Thank you for your story.
Yes, Strider, that is one of my favorite stories. I guess its fiction, but its a good one nonetheless.
I have yet to talk to a pastor who won’t admit that he would rather do a funeral than a wedding. Again, we much prefer the joy of weddings than the grief of funerals.
But at weddings, no one is really looking for genuine ministry. If they could, they’d dress up a talking monkey to lead the vows. They just want you to lead the vows and keep it short. The people gather with a celebration in mind and are not particularly open.
At funerals, the preacher has a real opportunity to minister grace and that energizes us.
I feel weird saying it, but every pastor I’ve talked to agrees.
Bob,
I would quarrel with only one thing in your comment (and I think, actually, you would agree). There is no reason why laypeople can’t speak at or conduct funerals. Sometimes, they will be more effective that “hired holy men”. In most states, only pastors can conduct weddings by state law. But funerals have no such restriction and I think that lay-people speaking at funerals is a good idea. This is a usually a role of pastors and I wrote my article as such. But there is no biblical reason that it needs to be a pastor’s role exclusively.
Bruce Harp,
I still get choked up at funerals of people I was close to. I’ve had several emotional incidents at funerals. I hate that, because my emotions are not supposed to be center stage – the gospel is. But people seem to appreciate it.
I have done many funerals for people I didn’t know. I talk to the family and try to get a picture of who the man (or woman) was and then share their recollections, admitting I had no personal relationship. I also ask for family members or friends to share a few words if they like, though this has led to a few uncomfortable moments when they shared things that we might not normally talk about in church.
Then, I go to the message of the day and make sure I share the gospel of grace.
Now, off to Cedar Rapids.
Brother Dave,
Good post…. You had mentioned weddings just a few posts ago. I think they fit into this same opportunity. Most weddings are woefully short of holy matrimony. Your philosophy on funerals could also be adapted to weddings.
Blessings,
Chris
During my 18 years in Spain, the best opportunity I had to preach the gospel to the most people at one time, was to an attentive audience of about 400, of which 90% + were lost people, at the funeral of a man who was a professing believer, but who struggled with drug addiction for practically all of his life (both pre- and post-profession of faith), and never was able to beat it, tragically dying of complications from abusing his body over the years, in his early-40′s, a few weeks after I had helped him to check in to a Christian rehab center. It was hard to know exactly what to say. But, I felt the Lord gave me the right words, and I was able to clearly explain the gospel, give a warning of the consequences of sin, and comfort the grieving family all at the same time.
Dave:
I know that you are traveking to Cedar Rapids for Darrell Bryant’s funeral.May your tribute be worthy of this faithful servant.
Chris, the wedding is a completely different thing, at least in the eyes of the audience. I mean that for more than the obvious reasons. At a funeral, people are thinking about eternal things and death and heaven and things like that. People need help.
At weddings, people don’t have that same spiritual openness and spiritual truth is seen as an invasion into the ceremony.
Ultimately, though, you are right. We have to be faithful at both.
Ken, thanks – good to hear from you. Someone once said, “Live in such a way as to make the preacher’s job easy when he does your eulogy.” Darrell did that. Darin is actually doing the eulogy, I’m doing the sermon.
Wish you were going to be there.