Angry Men tagged: , ,

Angry Men

Posted by in Church & Missions

Some people seem surprised when I tell them a significant portion of my counseling clients are ministers. They get a strange look on their face and – trying but failing to keep the tone of “tell me some juicy gossip” out of their voice -ask me what kind of problems are ministers and church leaders experiencing.

Ministers present with the same problems every one else does: depression, anxiety, extra-marital affairs, problems with pornography, etc. And anger. Lots of angry pastors find their way to my door.

A few have lost their temper in public; more are dragged into counseling by a spouse complaining of anger problems. Some men recognize their anger as sinful. Others have confused anger and violence. If I’m not physically abusive, they reason, I haven’t been angry. Somehow Paul’s warning in Colossians 3 to put away anger, rage, and malice is interpreted to mean don’t hit anyone.

I have to explain that mishandled anger lands you in the counselor’s office; hitting lands you in jail.

There’s no mystery as to why some guys have a problem with anger. While every person has his own unique story to tell, the stories typically fall into one of three broad categories.


First, there is the category of unrealistic expectations. Perfectionists would fall into this category. One way to conceptualize anger is to imagine the difference between expectations and perceived reality: the larger the gap, the more anger. This is the man who expects to achieve his goals and becomes angry at anyone or anything that gets in his way. Think of the man who must be on time to church on Sunday mornings. If he thinks his wife or children are causing him to be late, he may be the guy who pulls into the parking lot fuming and mumbling under his breath while the children are in the back seat crying and his wife is rigid and silent thinking of a plausible story to tell anyone who might see the tension.

For some there is a sense of nothing going their way all day long. But when he walks through the door he’s the king of his own castle, the head of the house, the big kahuna. 30 seconds through the front door and someone – wife, child, or family pet – disabuses him of that notion and an explosion follows shortly. The angry outburst is his way of saying life’s not fair and it should be.

The man who struggles with anger related to blocked goals needs to learn to be flexible. He must adjust his expectations to realistic levels. He needs to see the difference between laws (I have to be on time) and goals (I would like to be on time). He needs to understand grace as a daily experience and not merely a sermon topic.

Another category is anger as a manipulative tool. A very few men have learned that anger is an effective means of bullying others into getting what they want. They use anger and tantrums as a means of manipulation. After a while they have to merely threaten to become angry in order to get their way. I have little patience for these guys; I wonder if they’re fit for any kind of leadership in the church and I’m pretty bold about sharing that opinion. Counseling may be of help to this kind of angry man… I’d just like to see him leave the ministry while he’s getting the help.

Finally, anger can be used as a distancing mechanism. Threaten a guy with a baseball bat and he knows how to react. But threaten him by telling him (or implying) he’s a loser and he’s at a loss. The threat to one’s sense of self – whether real or merely imagined – creates an angry outburst… because no one wants to be around an angry man. The anger serves to keep at a distance the one reminding him of his flaws. The defiant child isn’t seen as being in need of direction or correction. Instead, the defiance is personalized: this child is telling the whole world I’m a terrible father. The church member who doesn’t like the direction a particular ministry is taking isn’t seen as simply having a difference of opinion; they are viewed as shouting to the world “my pastor’s leadership skills are inadequate”.

This is a man who needs to learn empathy. He must first fully understand the people around him before he reacts. He needs to let go of pride and ego and realize it really isn’t all about him.

What’s the most common problem I see when working with pastors and church lay-leaders? Anger. Sinful, inappropriate, mishandled, poorly expressed – whatever adjective or qualifier you wish to attach – anger. Not porn or affairs or depression or burnout. Just angry men.