Conflict in the Church

Posted by in Church & Missions

conflict4.jpg“Hank, I’d really like to help you. I don’t want to see you destroy yourself. You’ve been good for the church, I think, but — what can I say? The division, the bickering….it’s all about to tear the church apart.”

“Who’s bickering?”

“Oh, come on…”

“And for that matter, who called the congregational meeting in the first place? You. Sam. Gordon …”

“We’re just concerned that’s all. You’re, well, fighting against what is best for the church.”

“That’s funny. I thought I was fighting against you….”

– Frank Peretti. This Present Darkness
(Westchester, Illinois: Crossway Books, 1986), 34.

• • •
I fell in love with Frank Peretti’s writing with he published a couple of books entitled This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness (it seems now ages ago!). I remember sitting in my military dorm room over twenty years past and spending a whole Saturday reading one book, and then the other, taking breaks only for eating and other bodily needs as they arose. I have given over fifty sets away as gifts to friends and family. I usually pick up every Peretti book since that time to see if he has duplicated the magic of the two masterpieces (he has not — yet he has promised another in the same series soon — whatever “soon” means — hopefully it will be before the rapture).These stories were primarily about conflict — conflict between humans both outside and inside the church (as the above quote illustrates), and conflict in the spiritual realm between angels and demons. Of course the series deals seriously with the backdrop of these smaller conflicts — that is the greater conflict between God and Satan, heaven and hell.I used the quote cited above to illustrate conflict in the church once before — in a paper I wrote some fifteen years ago for a seminary class. In fact, the paper (written in collusion with three other classmates) had the same title as this post, “Conflict in the Church,” and gave some auspicious remedies on how to deal with conflict in general, and in the church specifically. It quoted famous philosophers as to the source of conflict (distribution of power or lack thereof) and then gave a several point remedy on how to deal with the problem among enlightened members of the congregation. Those were the days of educational bliss!

Of course I was confronted a scant three years after that seminary class on the issues of power and conflict in the church in “Real Time” (as they like to say in Oklahoma about such struggles, “we play for keeps.”). There are indeed some churches who call young pastors out of seminary primarily for one purpose — they are inexperienced, and so therefore they can be “driven.” I found myself in such a predicament. The “powers that be” were more than delighted when I agreed with them in church policy, yet became apoplectic to the point of hatred whenever I disagreed with them. The earlier conflict that I was told had disappeared when the former pastor and several previous church members left came to be a cell mate of mine, confronting me every day of the week, and leaving me as miserable as one can imagine.

My grand ideas about dealing with conflict and the finer points of sitting down with those against me came to naught. My adversaries just believed that I was showing weakness in the face of their adversity when I did such things, so they continued to press their point no matter the number of times I confronted them with the issues in love. God is good, and had prepared a place for me ahead of time (in fact, it is my current assignment in ministry — which is good because I believed at the time I might go straight from that place to heaven for a while … since I was in hell already), but I always wonder even to this day if I did things “right.” I am certain that I did not do everything “perfectly,” but of course hindsight is 20/20.

After a few years of dealing with this animal called “conflict in the church,” I have come to some conclusions, and so will deal with them in numerical order with you:

1. The source of all human conflict is sin, carnality and selfish ambition — the greater source of conflict is the enemy of our souls who seeks to destroy us.

“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.” (James 4:1-2, ESV)

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12, ESV)

It really does not take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. This is the part that often takes human conflict into the intractable place where nothing seems to give on either “side”. While conflicts are easy to figure out on paper, in real life sin gets in the way. What seems to be a simple solution in dealing with sin in the church (confronting those who have sinned and have offended, first in private, then with a witness, and ultimately before the whole assembly according to Matthew 18) turns into a fiasco when the multitude resists dealing with it because it is often expedient not to. My first ministry was like this — for generations the majority had dealt with those who thrived in conflict by sticking their heads in the sand. And so when conflict predictably came, they shook like proverbial sheep, leaving the shepherd to deal with the conflict alone. Like Moses in battle, the shepherd gets tired while holding things up — but unlike Moses, more often than not he has no Aaron and Hur (HT Tim Rogers) to keep his arms up and his spirit encouraged. Many times conflict like this takes the best of our shepherds and those who are sensitive to conflict within the church. This is because of the carnality that is found within, and the loneliness of being on the “side of the angels” yet in the minority of adversity. Many a church is left to die in conflict — and sadly many do. They succumb of course to the larger battle — the one in which the destroyer seeks to eliminate the work of God.

So how are we to make an impact in this generation of believers when conflict devours many a “house of God?” and a lot of personal relationships?

This is a tough question – a question that after only a scant fifteen years of ministry for which I truly have no “real” answers, and I am often left with platitudes. Yet I do know this: God is bigger than our conflicts. I have gleaned from the Word of God (and real life experience) some tidbits about conflict and how to deal with it personally, which I will share with you. I claim no originality with these thoughts — many if not most of these you will recognize. But I pray that somehow in the repetition that it will break into those who are dealing with such situations and those which may arise in the future for some “Real Time” help:

2. The first way to deal with conflict is by “modeling the love of Jesus” and pray, pray, and pray.

“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” (Philippians 2:5-11, ESV)

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” (John 3:16-17, ESV)

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:3, ESV)

“Pray without ceasing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

No matter the circumstances and the conflict, those who claim Christ should have His mind. They should allow the Holy Spirit who lives within them to speak through them the life of Christ in the direness of circumstances. Even in my darkest hours, I prayed (and prayed and prayed!) that the Lord would use my voice, my thoughts, and my actions to glorify Him. And while that was not always possible, overall I believed that God granted me my request. I have always attempted to remember that God loved my adversaries enough to die for them, and if I am their friend (as I should be) I need to be willing to lay down my very life for them, even in the face of our conflict. And if that is so, I am called upon to love them despite our battle. Easy to say — hard to do. And yet even in my unwillingness, God gave me the grace to overcome my hesitancy. Many times I have prayed, “help me in my unbelief” and God has consistently and lovingly answered me in that time. Without the Love of Christ in me, then I would have no alternative but to deal with conflict my way — without any good righteous result.

3. Deal with the conflict openly in deference to a) ignoring it or b) hiding it.

“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26)

Most people do not like conflict, so they avoid it altogether. It is doubly hard in dealing with the problem in the church because it is supposed to be filled with “holy people.” The reality, of course, is that we are merely “fallen sinners” dressed up in Christian clothes. We make no impact in our churches and our relationships if we fail to act righteously in our dealings and deportment. Engaging directly and loving those with whom we disagree is an honorable and righteous thing, and will have dividends. For example, one night at my first ministry point, I was attempting to maintain control of a contentious business meeting. A person who was being contentious stood up and “shucked the corn” in front of God and everyone. As calmly as I could (since some of the diatribe was headed my way) I informed my antagonist that he was out of order, and instructed him to sit down. After the meeting, I asked him to come back to my office. With a retired minister present as a witness, I confronted the man with my displeasure with his public outburst in light of Matthew 18. I affirmed over and over again my love for him, and gladly offered to listen to his entire complaint right there and then. He really expected for me to read him the riot act, and so was struck dumb by my demeanor. As I listened to him, tears came down his face. Frankly this was the first time in a while someone in the church actually listened to him. Afterwards we bear hugged, and he went home. He publicly apologized to the church and to me the next Sunday morning. And even though I later moved to another ministry, we remain in close contact as life long friends. All this because I dared to deal with a conflict in the here and now rather than waiting until tomorrow (or never).

Now I understand that not everyone comes from the perspective of the Pastor (or even my own personal perspective) on this topic. My conflicts in the church are my own and are coming from my unique perspective as Pastor. There are many others out there who have issues WITH their Pastor, who seem to them to be their source of conflict and discomfort. One of the things I do know is this: I do not know everything. I solicit your input. Does anyone have anything to add? I would like to hear your input and discuss it. I hope to make further posts on my insight in similar topics as time goes on. May you have an impact for His glory today and the rest of this week!

Rob